Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
