this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
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Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
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I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize