party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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