maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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