please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
