i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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