when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
