I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
