I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
