You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
