the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
