it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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