Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
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