Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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