I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Randomize
