Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
