My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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