so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
