I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
