i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
