Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
