He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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