Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
