You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
