jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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