Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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