JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
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and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
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He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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