My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
