I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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