His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
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She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
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He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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