Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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