i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
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As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
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He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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