I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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