I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
