Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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