Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
