i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
