Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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