At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
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When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
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You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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