I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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