I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
