Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
