Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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