Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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