I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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