I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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