i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize