6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
