Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
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If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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