I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
