The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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