I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
