I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
