Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
