Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
