i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
