Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
