When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
