He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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