i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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