if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
