nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
