Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
