i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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